S2E7: The Joy of Boundaries
And curiosity about how ours get crossed
Season 1: Resting Up
Happy Friday amazing and wonderful fellow creators!
Seven editions in it’s become clear how essential “resting up” is, and I’m glad that this work resonates. It’s been lovely to see the responses and how important rest is for you, as well as me.
Here’s a kind of rest that you may not have thought of before: embracing good boundaries.
Let’s jump in!
“How’d you do that?”
As we bring our attention to boundaries and what we allow in terms of crossing them, let’s get right to the heart of the matter: the way I’ve heard it said, humans have just two states of mind that we can possibly be in: love, or fear.
If you think about it every emotion, every thought, every reaction or response is at its root either centered in love or fear.
So when we create a boundary – when we say “I’m doing this, I’m not doing that” – it comes from one of these two states.
Love, or fear.
It can be so deep-seated that we don’t even really see that. Instead what we see are the current circumstances that can distract us from choosing for ourselves if we’re going to come from love, or fear.
Which brings me to the header question: “how’d you do that?”
Ultimately when we choose a boundary, by saying for example “I will get to bed early,” or “I will spend at least one hour today in creative enjoyment just for myself,” there’s an intention there. When we hold that boundary (for example by actually getting to bed early or enjoying some creative work), referencing the question, we can see “how we did that.”
It can become really confusing, however, when we then allow either ourselves or someone else to cross a boundary that we really, really wanted to hold.
In that case the question becomes even more essential: “how’d YOU do that?”
This has been a helpful question for me regarding how I have allowed my boundaries to be crossed.
We may not always see it this way. We may try to put the responsibility on circumstances or someone outside of ourselves. But ultimately, “we did that.”
We allowed it.
As creators, let’s explore this.
Why hold boundaries in the first place?
I’m sure you can come up with many reasons why it’s a very good idea to hold a boundary. So that you can prioritize what’s most important in your day instead of letting others or less important projects drain your time; so that you can enjoy the creative flow that opens up when you do your art, be it painting, writing, dancing or [insert your favorite creative activity here].
The best boundaries come from a place of love. Love for ourselves and loving compassion for others.
So then, why do we allow our boundaries to be penetrated?
Having set up a boundary from a place of love, often self doubt or overwhelm – in other words, fear – is the culprit.
Let’s see how this idea applies to you and your creative work!
This Week’s Invitation for Creators
Boundary Reflections
Why might you set and hold boundaries, whether personally, in your creative work, or in another area of life?
Why might you allow those boundaries to be crossed?
I invite you to spend some time thinking about these questions this week. I’m curious what will come up!
These are the general questions… Let’s apply them to a situation actually happening right now for you.
Boundary Actions
First: remember yourself into a wonderful, amazing moment or experience.
Take a deep breath from this space… Then exhale, and feel yourself relax completely.
Now we are ready to explore.
In your Golden Book (the file on your laptop; the note on your phone; or an actual notebook that may even have an actual Golden cover : ) draw or write about the following…
1. Bring your attention… With curiosity, not judgment, we’re simply noticing here… to a recent situation in which you created a boundary – and allowed that boundary to be crossed.
How’d you DO that?
How did the boundary get created in the first place, and what were the circumstances?
What happened in the attempt to cross the boundary?
How did it feel to allow that, and where in your body do you notice this feeling?
If you reduce your creation of this boundary down to one simple feeling – either love, or fear – which does it feel more like… Love? or fear?
How about in the moment where it was crossed – was your allowing of the crossing from love, or fear?
Simply interesting to notice.
As you’re journaling about it all, reflect:
“What is one action I can choose when I set a boundary in the future, to make and hold this boundary from a place of love for myself?”
2. Now, bring your attention to a recent situation in which you created a boundary – and embraced it.
How’d you do that?
How did the boundary get created in the first place, and what were the circumstances?
Was it challenged it all, did you or someone else try to cross it?
How did it feel to hold it?
If you reduce your creation of and holding of this boundary down to one simple feeling – either love, or fear – which does it feel more like… Love? or fear?
If love – hooray! Let’s keep going in the direction of love. Especially love of self. This translates inevitably into treating ourselves better, giving ourselves grace, and ultimately from this place feeling better about others and the world.
If fear – hooray! There is learning here and that’s important to acknowledge. In this case, how might it feel to create and hold a similar boundary in the future, from a place of love?
Either way: celebrate this moment of awareness. The ability to create and hold boundaries from a place of self love is best for us and everyone in our world. Even though it doesn’t always feel that way, it’s true.
And how wonderful that you have cultivated this awareness. Celebrating you!
Wrapping Up
Enjoying boundaries and feeling the trust and safety in ourselves to create and embrace them from a place of love… this can feel like such a bold choice!
Ultimately it’s what helps us stay true to ourselves. Then we can role model staying true to ourselves and inspire others to do the same.
From this place, each “How’d you do that?” is asked with enthusiasm and exhilaration. Each is responded to in-kind.
Wishing you a great and inspiring week –
Next week we’ll be talking about loving our calendars… stay tuned!
About Kay Lock Kolp, M.Ed.
Kay’s experience as an educator and coach spans 31 years. She’s also the creator of podcasts, art, an award-winning memoir and two newsletters – one, Art Creativity & Wellbeing, published right here in Substack, and the other, The Heart of Leadership, published in LinkedIn.
Kay coaches curious people to embrace their true selves and create purposeful, joyful lives. She brings her gifts of good listening, a deep understanding of human dynamics – and the ability to challenge the stories that hold people back – into the gentle and inquisitive space she creates as a coach.
In 2011 Kay developed a tendon condition which had her needing a wheelchair – and then in May 2023 she solo-hiked across northern England. In 2024 she published her first memoir, Waking Up, about who she became in order to be fit and ready for that epic journey. Kay's ability to inspire others with her story - to help them dream big for themselves - is a most joyful and fulfilling aspect of her adventures. Kay lives in Massachusetts with her partner of 29 years, and is Mom to two amazing young adults.